New Tech Support Fee Schedule

New Tech Support Fee Schedule
Calling me with a question --- $10

Calling me with a stupid question -- $20

Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $30

Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $1000 + punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $10.00

Questions where answer is in TFM - $100.00

Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once - $100

Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow - $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $5/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile + gas

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem - $45/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $50/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr

If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on - $70/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday - $75/hr

If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix - $85/hr

If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work - $95/hr

If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you - $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00

Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. - $1700.00

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home - $500.00

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do - $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive - $50.00-- AFTER I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00

Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00

Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees - $35.00

Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00

Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00

Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00

Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on - $200.00

Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet transciver back in - $375.00

Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation - $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in - $50

Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there - $10

Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server - $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger - $25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first - $50

Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program

Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not)

Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

Leaving files on desktop - $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine - $200

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus - $25

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets - $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me to do!" - $400

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35 (including discount for polite apology)

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software - $25

Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests - $45

Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line - $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response - $95

Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points - $15

If I wrote the sign - $45

If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door - $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem - $25.00

Reporting it more than once - $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem - $200.00

Beeper Prices:

Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other - $50

Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left - $100

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button - $200

Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep - $50 per beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds - $25

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem - $500

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odor - $75.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $50.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help - $100.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbyists - $125.00/hour

Questioning the other prices -- $50

Looks like I already owe you guys $225.00

😄

You do get a 25% discount as a return customer though 😉

Yeah burnout we discontinued service on you about 2 weeks ago. Your support will be on a contractual basis only from here on out. :-)

Will you be paying via PayPal or CC? We accept Visa and Mastercard.... :rotfl:

What's really scary is how many of those statements actually happened to me or happens today. I've managed to work myself fairly high up the IT food chain. I expected stuff like this to slowly go away. What I found out was this. As I moved up the food chain, the idiots I dealt with made more money and had important titles, but it was still the same stupid stuff....... :-)

I can pay you in Sycee, Metors, and +1 equips only...I may have a magic attack gem somewheres too

We won't accept your "liphe" money here. :-)

Atomm, I learned the same thing. When I was working at the university, I became the one guy the chancellor would speak to on IT stuff, and same with a guy in the presidents office. Both would yell and berate, but both realized they had no choice but to do what I said. The best was when my current prof called for help and got me, I made sure to rub his nose in his stupid problem. He returned the favor when I got my grades at the end of the semester though :-)

Man how this hits close to home! I am a Systems Analyst and have to deal with idiots like this all day long! 😉

Wish I really could charge that. Sucks being salary sometimes 😉

As I am not the 'official' computer dude I get the questions people are to ashamed to call him with. For example my BOSS calls me

AHB (asshat boss): You need to come down here, my PC is broken
Me: Why do you say that?
AHB: all I have is a blue screen
Me: how the hell did you get the blue screen of death? Have you been doing something other than what I showed you? (note he has a BRAND spankin new dell)
AHB: no, I just logged out last night like you said to. See why I have just been leaving it on - this always happens to me.
Me: What does the screen say?
AHB: Dan and a picture
Me: What the fuck?....is there a little white box under your name?
AHB: Yes! you're so good at this!
Me: Oh my f**king God! I am soooo not paid to do this sh*t
AHB: Why are you so upset? I didn't break it - I just did the log out like you showed me.
Me: well DUH....I also showed you how to log in....remember?!? Anything look familiar????
AHB (looooong silence)
Me: do you even remember your password?
AHB: uh, no.
Me: Did you reeeaaally think the PC was broken or were you hoping I knew your password?
AHB: I swear I haven't seen this screen before, its broken - just come down here.
Me: Not till you promise me lunch
AHB: For you - anything!

So I go down, log in on the admin account and reset his password. I still haven't gotten my free lunch 🙁

Geez, that's bad.

Paladin, half the crew here is in IT or plays an IT person on Television...... :-)

So, are you on the Server side or the programming side of Systems Analyst?

Atomm wrote:Geez, that's bad.

Paladin, half the crew here is in IT or plays an IT person on Television...... :-)

So, are you on the Server side or the programming side of Systems Analyst?

I am on the server side and PC Support. Basically anything related to PC's in the building is my responsibility. From all of the lab computers to all the Faculty and Staff machines and the servers they connect to. I am a one man Army 😉

It is cool to see other IT guys here 😉

My latest project is I just got a new server and need to convert the old NT domain server to 2003 but want to do it as painless as possible as well as merge the new server into the mix. I need to move al the files and shares over to the new server. I would love to keep the domain structure in place so I do not have to change anything on the user end so they do not even notice.

Weird thing is I do NOT run a DNS server, We have Unix DNS servers that my boss maintains. Active Directory needs a DNS server so that caused me problems once before when I tried to just upgrade the old server. Anyway that is just al kinds of fun! 😉

LOL!

Raze does servers. I use to work with Raze on those servers, but I've moved on to Network Design. Bubba is also a one man support show where he works. Some of the guys who show up once in a while work for AOL and get this, actually doing IT work. :-)

Always good to have another IT person around. BTW, I have this problem........ ;-)

Atomm wrote:LOL!

Raze does servers. I use to work with Raze on those servers, but I've moved on to Network Design.

Servers? What are those. Seems all we do anymore is push paper. :cry: