Breaky, Hymen care to comment.... :roll: :twisted:
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
New Alcohol Warning Labels: 1. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. 2. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 3. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. 4. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 5. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 6. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 7. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. 8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked. 9. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. 10. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 11. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 12. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 13. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 14. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. 15. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
16. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you really are fluent in Spanish because the stripper hottie you are talking to is from Argentina.
17. WARNING: In combination with #3 above, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to not be completely creeped out by the fact that there are a dozen Korean men dancing in close proximity around you - for a few minutes anyway. Further it may hinder your escape when you do get creeped out as you are a big clumsy American.
18. WARNING: In combination with #5, it may lead you to believe that Kareoke is fun and that you can sing in Italian and German, even though you can't pronounce the words on the screen and in Gaelic to a song that isn't even on the list and to which you know exactly 3 words. You can't. 🙂
Me thinks some of Sarge's tips may be of personal experience. Sarge didn't you do some portion of grad school in Korea??
I thinks I can add some learned just this weekend
19.) Warning: the cop doesn't find it ironic that you peed in the alley and he was standing in that same ally at the same time just downhill from where you peed.
20.) Warning: there is nothing funny about the vanilla flavored "personal lubricant" you got from the "misc" crank on the vending machine in the bathroom. even if you spread it on the table and see if your beers slide better. Also note the bar tender doesn't find that very funny either, even after you tell him it'll make his job easier.
21.) Warning: The bartender at the favorite bar of the University of 21,000 students that you attended will always remember the lush named "Bubba". He'll remember Bubba each time Bubba walks in the door on tuesday night, next week, next month next year and even 3 years after you move 3 hours away from his bar and return to get in a drunken stupor with your buddies. Said bartender will play sad music in your honor when he hears you are now married and won't be bringing any of your hot chick friends to his bar again.
also let it be known
When Drunk:
1.)you cannot fly, no matter how high up you jump from -A sheet in the shape of a parachute will not help
2.)Diving into the frozen snowbank while pretending you are jumping the defensive line for a touchdown will not hurt now, but it will hurt greatly in the morning
3.)She is not that cute, if she was your DD would at least be able to look at her
4.)When your named Bubba, people are intimidated by you, use it well
5.) The radio announcers really didn't want you to take over their live broadcast, and oo by the way you don't know spanish so stop trying to speak it on air
6.) The telephone did nothing to you, there is no reason to kick it continuously, it may hurt for the next week or so or at least until the big toe isnt' black anymore.
7.) Climbing a 100 feet up the tree is much easier than climbing back down when you are drunk.
8.) its a bad idea to schimmy up 2" thick trees until the bend so much your back it touching the ground, it hurts when you let go and aren't so close to the ground.
Sarge wrote:read the first line of my post again there Bubba 🙂
So all of yours are from this last weekend when you should have been learning to operate a tank? (just kidding)
Doh, I should read sometimes.
And just 19-21 are specifically from last week, and FYI drunk Bubba is alot like driving a tank. Either you move or you will be run over by a very large object.
also just remembered, #22 Thou shalt not call thy wife at 2.30am, she doesn't think it's half as funny as you do.
Drinking 13 shots of Tequilla (from a Jigger Glass, no less) in 30 minutes at 9pm at night after not eating all day is not a good thing, especially when you weigh 135lbs at the time.
- Note: I sweated alcohol and smelled like it for 2 days after that. I would hate to see what my blood alcohol content was at the time. - To this day, the mere smell of Tequilla makes me want to vomit. Something I did for 2 days after said event.
No matter what your fraternity brother says is in the punch bowl, never ever take him at his word.
Hot Damn does not refer to the drink, but to the feeling you have the next day after drinking it all night.
Contrary to public belief, Budwieser is not the king of beers. It is actually The Beast, Milwaukee's Best. If there was a scale to rate taste vs. cost, The Beast would be the winner hands down. And I'm not talking that panzy ass Unlead Light version. No, you must drink The Beast fully Leaded! (Who actually understands that?)
Yes, you can average four 6 packs a week of The Beast and still make good grades. No, you will not remember what you learned after the semester is up, but who cares, you had fun doing it. Besides, you wouldn't have remembered it anyway. :-)
Remember to thank your buddy for driving you home and stopping on the side of the highway, so you could hurl out the door, instead of inside your own vehicle. Be especially grateful after the cop pulls up behind you to shine a light on the road, so you can see where you are puking. Thank said officer for letting you go without taking anyone to jail because your buddy doesn't "appear" intoxicated.
Remember to thank that hot chick officer, for following you home just to be sure you made it alright because you hadn't had a drink in two hours, regardless of how much you drank before then. Be glad that you weren't too drunk to actually hit on her, pissing her off and giving her a reason to take you to jail. :-)
Contrary to public belief, Budwieser is not the king of beers. It is actually The Beast, Milwaukee's Best. If there was a scale to rate taste vs. cost, The Beast would be the winner hands down. And I'm not talking that panzy ass Unlead Light version. No, you must drink The Beast fully Leaded! (Who actually understands that?)
Ahh, the Beast! Friend of college students everywhere. If you could stomach the first couple of cans (or bottles if you were rich) you were good to go for the night. I think in VT we actually nearly broke even on cost when you factor in the $ from returning the cans. Of course if you factor in the cost of curing your hangover with excessive asprin, caffeine and food, then maybe not...
There's always reporting your car stolen and finding it parked in the ajoining dormatory parking lot 2 weeks later because you had parked it there while in the throes of a blacked out drunken binder.
then there's coming home from a night on the town, peeing on your roommate, in his bed, while he's sleeping and then walking out into the dorm hallway and peeing on your RA's door while he's standing down the hall talking to another RA.
Waking up naked next to this 300lb girl, not knowing how I ended up with her or at her apt, having her expect me to give her some loving when she woke up and then being stalked by her for the next 3 months.
Don't think any of that exists in my vocabulary when I'm Stumblin Waste!
IT AINâT MY PAD GOT WASTE THE OTHER NITE I WAS FALLâN DOWN PUKED IN THE TOILET AND WOKE UP ON THE GROUND LOOK AROUND SEE YUR PLACE IS TOTALLY FUKâN TRASHED I DONâT GIVE A FUK CAUSE I THE ONE WHO THRASHED
KEEP ON BITCHâN CAUSE ITâS YUR PAD BUT LET ME TELL YA IâM FUKâN GLAD THAT IN MY DRUNKâN RAMPAGE I MANAGED TO THRASH YUR PLACE
BITCHâN IN MORNING I DRINK THE LAST OF YUR BREW I DONâT GIVE A FUK I NEVER DID LIKE YOU YUR A LIL PUSSY A FUKâN LITTLE QUEER I JUST STOPPED BY TO THRASH YOUR PAD AND DRINK UP ALL YUR BEER