I was going to post a joke thread awhile back. I didn't because I thought it would end up with a lot of bad jokes... I was right!!!! 😉
See the thing is I have jokes. LOTS of jokes. I have been collecting them for years!
I can not possibly restrain myself 😉
So here are a few from me at random anyway 😉
Oh stop me before I kill again......
Be thankful I cannot post pictures. I have TONS of cool pictures you guys would love 😉
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Never choke in a restaurant in the South...
Two hillbillies walk into a bar.
While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine
operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the
bar.
His partner says, Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
==========================
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of
romaine
lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the
cashier.
He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly
unusual
about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely
correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"
=============================
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2
in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's
200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to
know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down
to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this
person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You
dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheatin! g on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she
does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of
them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her
she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,
sat in her US government class.
!
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs:
Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That
was the decision George Washington had to make before
he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to
respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.
====================================
One Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets
his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the
garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down to his favorite
fishing area.
Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of
rain. It's freezing, there is snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard
wind is blowing with 50 mph. gusts. He retreats back into the garage
and, in disgust, returns to the house and turns the TV on to the weather
channel. He find s it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts
his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of
anticipation, and whispers: "The weather out there is terrible!"
To which she sleepily replies: "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that crap?!"
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ONESTONE
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone".
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest there he had his way with her all day, through the night and all the next day, until
Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away.
Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone".
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest there he had his way with her all day, through the night, through the next day and all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
(You'll love this!!!!)
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
