A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
sindy wrote: THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
Two guys are driving thru Kentucky when they get pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper walks up, taps the driver's window with nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
Trooper says, "You're in Kentucky son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry officer, I'm not from around here."
Trooper runs a check on the guy's license and everything is in order. He gives the driver back his license and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the nightstick.
Passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
Trooper says, "Just making your wishes come true."
Passenger says, "Huh?"
Trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, " I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon.."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"
This is stolen directly from the VF forums, from our buddy Monk... that said I thought it would be of interest to all our OKies
It has come to my attention that there are some among us that have trouble pronouncing the state where I reside. Some say it OK-lahoma, some say Oklahom-A. The correct way to pronounce it is Okla-homa, with a slight pause between the second and third syllables. In order to facilitate your understanding of this, I have provided a visual aide below.
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?'
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'
While leaving the hospital, a nurse's friend asks her if she'd like to try golfing with some of the other nurses that weekend. The weather forecast is nothing but sunshine, so she figures why not?
Well that Sunday, this group of nurses who'd never golfed before were bombing the hell out of the course. They were knocking balls EVERYWHERE. Inevitably, the nurse drills one, right towards a group of guys at the adjacent green. The unlucky victim keels over in pain, with his hands between his legs.
She runs over to the poor guy, completely overwhelmed with guilt. "I'm so sorry!!!" she exclaims. To the surprise of the growing crowd of observers, she decides to put her hand down his pants and starts gently massaging his testacles. "I'm a nurse and I can help you. Does that feel better?" she asks. He replies, "That feels GREAT, but my thumb still hurts!"
Things You Don't Want to Hear on a Tech Support Call with Mom and Dad
11. Your father was looking at porn again and spilled 'something' on the keyboard. 10. I want you to build me a new computer, but I still want to stick with Windows ME because I'm familiar with it. 9. My cronjob doesn't work but when I grep the error logs nothing's there. Do you think it has something to do with the kernel recompile I did last night? 8. The hard drive was squeaking, so I found this site that said you could grease the hard drive bearings, and now it doesn't work. 7. How long does it usually take for nigerian millionaires to send the money after you send them your bank account information? 6. My hairdresser told me it's something to do with hardbox memory. 5. Your brother tried to fix it and... 4. It seems to rattle a lot when I shake it really hard. 3. The keys don't type the proper letters anymore. 2. Your dad set the crackpipe on the keyboard and a few of the keys melted together. Do you think you could pick us up another one? 1. I clicked on the attachment and everything started acting funny.
1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it 'Barack Hussein Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Hussein Obama?' 6. Firmly Click 'Yes.' 7. Feel better?
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. How old are you?' Eight,' the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
All right theres a monkey and a lizzard. One day lizard is walking through the forest and he looks up at the tree monkey is in and ask monkey what he is doin. Monkey says about to smoke this j want to join me. Lizzard says okay climbs up the tree and they smoke the j. Once its done monkey looks at lizzard and ask you wanna smoke another. Lizzard says no I got cottonmouth i think im goin to go get sone water. So lizzard goes down the tree and to the water to get a drink and at that time alligator pops out the water and says dang lizzard you look stoned u got any more. Lizzard says no its monkeys but if you hurry hes getting ready to smoke another j. So alligator gets out the water and walks up to mokeys tree and says hey monkey you got any more of that, and monkey looks down and says daaaaaang lizzard how much water you drink.
No matter what I do I can not get this video to show, you tube has a different version of it but not 1/2 as good. Unfortunately you'll have to click through to view it. Don;t know how I missed this one, been out since early April.
Duck wrote:No matter what I do I can not get this video to show, you tube has a different version of it but not 1/2 as good. Unfortunately you'll have to click through to view it. Don;t know how I missed this one, been out since early April.
It does not matter really that you saved the best for the last day of the year, Duck. No biggy. So let it be forgiven. 😉
On his 70th birthday, Bill got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby Indian reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, Bill drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the shaman, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to Bill, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be the best you have ever been in your life; and you can perform as long as you want."
Bill was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
Bill was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Mary to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, Bill was the manliest of men.
Mary was excited and began throwing off her clothes. As she was doing so, she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
Paladin wrote:GRAMMAR LESSON (...) And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
Paladin?
🤔
Could you plzzzzzzz be so kind and explain that one? I thought about it now for about 3 days.
What is soooooo funny about it that Bubba and Doc have given you high credits?
Is it maybe because you misspelled the 4 - it says _FOUR_ in my dic?
Does that make any sense? Not really, huh. You also spell it differently when you talk, huh? You spell it like the word OUR, just with an F in front, or? I still don't get it, I fear.....
Or maybe you acustically misunderstood the joke and she did not say FOUR but FIRE!!!
Could you plzzzzzzz be so kind and explain that one? I thought about it now for about 3 days.
What is soooooo funny about it that Bubba and Doc have given you high credits?
Is it maybe because you misspelled the 4 - it says _FOUR_ in my dic?
Does that make any sense? Not really, huh. You also spell it differently when you talk, huh? You spell it like the word OUR, just with an F in front, or? I still don't get it, I fear.....
Or maybe you acustically misunderstood the joke and she did not say FOUR but FIRE!!!
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!
I got one 2 (it is an old one, but I just love it):
Things you probably did not know:
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 6 lb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. Women blink twice as often as men. Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man. You guys are still looking at your thumb, aren't you?
If you are not logged in like me sometimes when I don´t know how much time it leaves me to roam here, I cannot see the jpgs but merely fly over the titles. And this one I read like ......e_harmon..errection_1.jpg
If you are not logged in like me sometimes when I don´t know how much time it leaves me to roam here, I cannot see the jpgs but merely fly over the titles. And this one I read like ......e_harmon..errection_1.jpg
WTF? 🤣
Saint, sometimes you confuse the hell outta me. I think your quoting a different thread.
Lexx, I did that on purpose. Wanted to make sure that it is understood as a JOKE. As such it belongs in the Official Joke threat, I figured. 🙂
Bubbaspanky wrote:I have seen three instances of people posting stuff in the wrong thread recently... makes me wonders!!! 🤬 🤔
Oh, Bubba... I really did not want to upset you. I know you got a tough job here to do.
My intentions were of pure nature tho.
I wanted to post my JOKE here and do some advertising for yours as well. Next time I PROMISE herewith, I keep my reply in the original thread. Hope there is no hatred here and everything is in tho.🙂
saintchism wrote:I got one 2 (it is an old one, but I just love it):
Things you probably did not know:
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 6 lb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died. Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair. Women blink twice as often as men. Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man. You guys are still looking at your thumb, aren't you?
This table was for sale on eBay. How can you tell it is being sold by a man? Can you solve this little riddle? First look and guess. You will find the answer below, but don't cheat!
OK, Look in the mirror. Remember, if you are posting a picture on the world-wideweb, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture. I NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD...AND IT WAS POSTED ON eBay!!!
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert: however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normall take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
I can't believe I haven't been reading this thread.
Almost oversaw it, but then, when he´s in that mood it does not stop thaat fast. No No. Don´t get rid of that grin for at least today and probably tomorrow when Duck is on the joke move.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.
Duck wrote:When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.
This is true but *they do not work well in water 🙂 *(pencil's)
I dare guess even the inventor of the internet couldn't explain DNS translation. Though maybe Al and Joe can go study it for a week and then come to some conclusions.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. Then the woman's husband also comes home. Panicked, she puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a football." Man "That's nice." Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks." Boy "My dad's outside." Man "OK, how much?" Boy - $250
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy "Dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have football boots." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$750" Man "Sold."
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of footy.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father says, "What?! Why?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. You're going to church to confess!"
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner, and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went up stairs where her husband was sound asleep, and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants, and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts...
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture, she reckoned she had gotten him back, pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants, with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip, as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me, and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in...
My redneck brother in law sent this to my wife the other day.
I was sitting in Church the other day and turned my head just in time to see this dumb ass bitch lighting up a cigarette. I mean, can you believe she would have the nerve to light up in Church? I nearly dropped by beer......
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad", gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry", said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing", said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, though we were very poor, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
Imagine that the Time magazine cover is the backside of a man bent over and you pretty much get the picture. If you are really curious, google it. Be prepared to be scarred however.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing;even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing;although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it....
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector;all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT" This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
'Why?' asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
'Well, I'm a panda', he says, at the door. 'Look it up.'
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. 'Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Found this argument over on the DDO forums about AC - won;t bore you with all the details but Wabbles first post and some reply about 30 posts in.
Math 101 For drunken Rangers: So the Dwarf Stallwart D is brought into a mostly-guild TOD run and immediately grilled by the drunken ranger to see if he can tank Horoth. The Dwarf is willing and says his base Ac is 60 but he can top out around 90 buffed. The ranger disagrees because the ranger cannot. The Dwarf starts to explain the math and the ranger stops him because "it can't be done."
Rest of the party, especially party leader, is respectful and tries to quiet drunken ranger. Dwarf decides if they want him to pike instead, that's what he will do.
For the record: unstanced or buffed ac 60 ac ranger bark adds 2 62 CE adds 5 67 Stallwart 3 stance 4 71 shield block 5 76 ranger bark 2 more 78 pally aura 5 83 recitation 2 85 haste 1 86 ac boost 5 91 bard song 4 95
if I had a halfling, could be 98. All those other buffs were readily available. yes its situational with the boosts, but im varying from mid 80's-90's, enough to tank horoth on norm.
What happens? Monk tanks, good monk, does nice job, but gets killed, loses aggro. I intim and grab Horoth while party gets recollected. I don't take much damage, as predicted - though I know turtling isn't helping the party dps they can all bang his back. Eventually monk reestablishes aggro: I let him have Horoth, run around to his back, and switch to two weapon fighting for my own DPS.
Ranger is kiting sulu and does well. He's a good player, just a drunken loudmouth.
And we get the completion and all are happy, so it doesn't matter. But yes, you can hit 90 starting from 60.
Wabs out
Reply: So let me get this straight.....2 rangers a monk and a bard....no no wait 2 rangers a monk and a rogue walk into a bar..one ranger gets hammered....tries to fly a kite in the bar and does pretty well...the monk does his best feign death "jackie Chan" drunken master move....loses sight of HOSS CARTRIGHT for a sec...so the indian (ranger) not loaded on fire water, pops HOSS in the noggin till jackie chan can get his wine jug refilled and then it's happy ending? So what does having 90-95 on your Air Conditioning have to do with ANY of this?
THAT - is the funniest reply evarrrrrr111111++1!!+1
There was this guy sucking down suds at a dingy bar. He looks over and sees a dog licking his own balls clean, as they always do. The guy said to the bartender, "Gee, I wish I could do that!" The bartender replied, "Well why don't you ask? Maybe he'll let ya!"
I was thinking about that last weekend, went to the transfer station and saw an entire encyclopedia set that someone had left to be recycled. Was tempted to grab it and realized just how useless it was. It was one of the real nice ones too and fairly new.
Nope there out Mid-West and West coast too. Place to take your trash other than the dump - you drop your junk off and then they compact it and TRANSFER it to the real dump.
Transfer-Station.
Also a place to drop off used motor oil, household appliances, tires things a dump typically will not take - Transfer-Stations do and the city sells off to the scrap buyers.
Was so bummed... she and Klank are married... there goes my dream of a DDO wife. Did you hear the cast episode when Samius said something about them being married..... I spit my drink out (and so did she - you can hear it on the cast....)
http://www.hardocp.com/ wrote:Buying a replacement remote? Shop Best Buy, they offer an abundance of free jumbo boxes with the purchase of every 6" remote.
Two hydrogen pals are sitting on the curb, sipping from their 40s. One says to the other "I think I've lost an electron". The other says "Are you sure"? To which the first replies, "Yeah, I'm positive".
An 18-year old Al-Qaida suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.
So, you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant exhausting duty."
"The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can handle that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice. "There's something I must confess." "Shhh" i said, there's nothing to confess... Everything's all right." "No I must die in peace. I fucked your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you cunt, now close your eyes''
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
They have an actually "album" out -so unfortunatley - yes.
Aw man I remember doing that with my best friend, his grand parents had a little sugar farm in Chesterfield N.H. I always like doing that. Thanks for the memory Sarge.
Wow 150 gallons, that resulted in what a Tablespoon?
Duck in response to the video, remember I am married to a Vt girl. That is all.
One of the great "New England" movie moments, the movie Super Troopers where they are chugging syrup at the beginning. The most amusing part, my wife gets pissed everytime because they are chugging a fake non maple syrup, which she contends 'no real vermonter' would do.
Bubbaspanky wrote:Wow 150 gallons, that resulted in what a Tablespoon?
3-4 Gallons depending on the sugar content of the sap. We just collected the taps immediately in the vicinity of the sugarhouse. They have over 2000 trees tapped with about 1200 or so on a gravity feed pipeline which makes collecting much easier.
Also married to a VT girl who won't eat anything that requires syrup at a restaurant if they don't have the "real stuff"
Me and Fake Corn Syrup don't get along very well. Needless to say, the ramifications of eating the stuff is not worth it, so I eat Pancakes plain. Maybe I should try the real thing. I'm not even sure I've ever had real Syrup.
Atomm - one of the greatest things in the late winter when sugar season starts is to get the fresh Maple Syrup and put it on fresh fallen snow - sort of a New England home made snow cone - the Pilgrim way.
That was class, the thread they linked to was also a bit of class, though after the first three pages it was directed directly at one of the site members.. and canada..
In order to continue getting-by we all need to learn the NEW English language! You can practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today :
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: "......What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorryâ¦scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome."
Remember I said "By the time you read through this you will understand 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' " and now you do, don't you! So yes, you too can learn to speak the NEW english language just fine. So whether its roon sirbees or calling cuzmer sirbees for your phone, credit card, or whatever you are now on your way to a better life.
Saw this Honda in (where else) our local Walmart parking lot - did not get the green islam star and crescent on the other side of the Honda badge - (right side of the trunk) and it's a poor cell phone pic.
(The badge you can see is the nation flag of turkey.)
Florida is an interesting place. I was blown away to find an entire crew of senior citizens working at McDonald's, even the gas station next door had elderly people working the cash register...The best part was the Hot Topic store in the mall with a staff of punked out retirees, it was like an entire troop of Ozzy Osbourne clone troopers.
As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty five years."
Well I figured - Hey it's Friday! - I'll be the nice guy (Shut up Sarge) and take the boys out to lunch - I'll pay - youall decide where you want to go.
When Santa upgraded his sleigh he realized he didn't need Rudolph's nose anymore so he canned the whole lot and replaced them with a few more low cost workers hanging around the north pole.
😊 Bubba you flatterer, it won't get you that raise you were hoping for....
The girl in the video was pretty feckin' hot. Moreso than 3 & 2 imo.
My daughter's teacher last year was a big fan of Beiber and so my daughter instantly became a fan. The first time she brought it up at home one of my sons says "Who's Justin the Beaver?". Needless to say my wife and I were in stitches.
I only remember feeling that I was running ways from a fire reaching between my legs, I don't remember the fall into cement, I don't remember landing arse first into the water butt, I do remember being lifted out of the water and screaming to be put back in.
I don't claim to be a clever person but can you imaging my surprise when after counting to 200 i felt a burning desire to rip off my plums and place them in liquid nitrogen.
The first mistake was letting the missus get involved in the process. She joined me in the shower with the tube of Veet, put a liberal amount in her hand and proceeded to cover not only my pubis overgrowth but also my nads and old boy. Five minutes later I was in complete agony and experiencing a burning sensation that could not have been worse had I fired up the wok-ring on the gas hob and lowered myself slowly onto it.
The chemical reaction was akin to a weapons test using thermite and my once glorious topiary slid off in one clean section, burnt through the floor and into my living room where my unsuspecting wife thought she was being attacked by a smouldering ferret.
3 hours 45 minutes later I decided to get up off the landing carpet, go shower and inspect the results... balanced on one leg in the shower holding a shaving mirror between my legs, and pushing my throbbing nads to one side with the toilet brush, I could see what I can only describe as a Gollum's head tortured and battered by a Taliban interrogation unit, peering up at me through a single screwed up puffy eye, looking pretty sorry for itself. On closer inspection my two previously furry love-eggs had absconded deep into my body for protection leaving my somewhat forlorn looking scrotum hanging there, like a pelican's over-filled neck pouch which had been flogged with a barbed wire paddle.
This is priceless stuff right here, I tell ya what......
Ha reminded me of one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
I was a kid, standing at my bus stop in the morning. I grew up in a very rural area. We had an overly sensitive heath code enforcement officer. A cow was loose and walking down the road. Said health code officer decided he was going to wrangle said cow. He tried to do it on foot. Since he didn't know what he was doing the effort was futile. He got back in his truck and pulled up next to said cow. Cow wasn't interested in moving. Cow backed up to the drivers window, which was down as he yelled at the cow. Cow decided to relieve herself, straight into the truck windows and all over inspector. We were in tears.
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans.
SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do.
He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it.
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ??? in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. ââ¬ËThe Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ââ¬ËI have been promoted three more times than you'.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no ââ¬ËAnti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ââ¬ËBlock out the space mind control lasers'.
69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed ââ¬ËSkyclad'.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to ââ¬ËSquish' things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ââ¬Ëfield of honor'.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ââ¬ËMom'.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as ââ¬ËDad'.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ââ¬ËRomper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. ââ¬ËRedneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ââ¬ËTell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ââ¬ËCool Mintââ¬â¢ Listerineî bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CDââ¬â¢s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a ââ¬Ëlegââ¬â¢ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ââ¬ËFull Montyââ¬â¢ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to ââ¬Ëwaterproofââ¬â¢ dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. ââ¬ËNo Drinking Of Alcoholic Beveragesââ¬â¢ does not imply that a Jack Danielââ¬â¢s î IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft î ââ¬ËDancing Paperclipââ¬â¢ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. ââ¬ËIââ¬â¢m drunkââ¬â¢ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting ââ¬ËLetââ¬â¢s do the village! Letââ¬â¢s do the whole ????ing village!ââ¬â¢ while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ââ¬ËThe Pen is Mightier than the swordââ¬â¢.
142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke î.
148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' î into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light î batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get 'that time of month'.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby î is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. î
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop î to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasite
Hence why I didn't enlist, sounds a lot like my college experience.
"... Do not call dean of your dept. 'dude' repeatedly after he explicitly informed you 'dude' is not an appropriate greeting for someone of his stature! Especially noted when flying to spring break destination and you notice him on your airplane with significant other."
The Wenger Giant Knife includes 87 implements for almost any situation:
2.5-inch 60% serrated locking blade
Nail file
Nail cleaner
Corkscrew
Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
Removable screwdriver bit adapter
2.5-inch blade for Official World Scout Knife
Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
Removable screwdiver bit holder
Phillips head screwdriver bit 0 Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
Magnetized recessed bit holder
Double-cut wood saw with ruler
Chain rivet setter
Removable 5mm
Allen wrench
Screwdriver for slotted and Phillips head screws
Removable tool for adjusting spokes
10mm Hexagonal key for nuts
Removable 4mm curved allen wrench with Phillips head screwdriver
Patented locking screwdriver
Universal wrench
2.4-inch springless scissors with serrated self-sharpening design
1.65-inch clip point utility blade
Phillips head screwdriver
2.5-inch clip-point blade
Club face cleaner
2.4-inch round tip blade
Patented locking screwdriver
Cap lifter
Can opener
Shoe spike wrench
Divot repair tool
4mm Allen wrench
2.5-inch blade
Fine metal file with precision screwdriver
Double-cut wood saw with ruler
Cupped cigar cutter with double honed edges
12/20-gauge choke tube tool
Watch case back opening tool
Snap shackle
Mineral crystal magnifier
Compass
Straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
Telescopic pointer
Fish scaler
Hook dis-gorger
Line guide
Shortix laboratory key
Micro tool holder
Micro tool adapter
Micro scraper, straight
Micro scraper,curved
Laser pointer with 300-foot range
Metal file
Metal saw
Flashlight
Micro tool holder
Phillips head screwdriver 1.5mm
Screwdriver 1.2mm
Screwdriver .8mm
Fine fork for watch spring bars
Reamer
Pin punch 1.2mm
Pin pinch .8mm
Round needle file
Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle
Removable tool holder
Special self-centering screwdriver for gunsights
Flat Phillips head screwdriver
Chisel-point reamer
Mineral crystal magnifier
Small ruler
Extension tool
Sping-loaded, locking flat nose needle-nose pliers
Removable screwdriver bit holder
Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
Magnetized recessed bit holder
Tire tread gauge
Fiber optic tool holder
Can opener
Patented locking screwdriver
Cap lifter
Wire stripper
Reamer
Awl
Toothpick
Tweezers
Key ring
Product Description
This giant Swiss Army knife from Wenger is designed with an incredible 87 implements that perform 141 functions, making it the only tool you'll need to get any job done. Whether in your pack or on display, the Giant Knife is sure to be a conversation starter. Packaged in a Black Plastic Box.
With the inevitable new AWB forthcoming. I have decide to take an "Old School" approach to my carry gun and decided to go TacticCool with my Colt Single Action Army.
(An interesting side note on the SAA - The very first production Single Action Army, serial number 1, thought lost for many years after its production, was found in a barn in Nashua New Hampshire in 1900)
Great answer and response from Slashdot today, needed to be saved forever. The topic was "what can my friend who owns a DVD rental store do to retain customers in this day and age of streaming video"
:
Answer 1: "Yeah, unless you have access to a time machine, I think DVD stores (of any kind) are not great ideas anymore.
He would need to fulfill the needs that the online services can't or won't fill, namely hard-core and fetish porn. That's about all that's left to him."
Reply to Answer 1: "We're not connected to the same Internet, apparently..."
While the airline accident is no a laughing matter, this TV station trying to get the scoop got punked.
And what they reported.... hilarious.
On today's Noon newscast on KTVU, the station claimed it had "just learned the names of the 4 pilots on board" Asiana flight 214 which crashed last Saturday. But the station was given bad information that made it all the way into the newscast. If you read the names it becomes immediately clear this is a joke, which went unnoticed by the newsroom, producers and the anchor.
In England - this one enterprising young man made a data base table dump line of code for their traffic camera Fly down the highway - though the cameras "SEE' you - they dump the speeding data like he was never present.
Only reason he got caught - Mk. One Mod. Zero eyeball from a cop in a car.
FireFox has a new extension called LightBeam It will show you all of the sites you go to, all of the back end tracking and third party sites that track your web usage.
I'm guessing that before this is even started the Olympic committee was experiencing significant regret that it let the Russian delegation take them out drinking before the final vote.
I dunno, if you were being attacked by a bunch of dudes all decked out in combat camo, helmets and plate carriers, except for the one dude wearing nothing but Teletubbies stuff, I think you know who youâd be scared of the most.
âShit! He thinks heâs Tinky-Winky! Weâre boned!â
